Blue Christmas
Dec 19, 2020
I've been in a little bit of a holiday funk this year. Christmas has just felt a little different than it's "supposed" to. Certainly, COVID hasn't helped. But even so, I've felt more rushed and harried than usual, which is a little strange because we're not partying or traveling or doing the things we usually do during the holidays. I'm feeling way more cranky. And also a little blue.
I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I was doing it wrong. I mean, EVERYONE loves the holiday season; right? What was wrong with me that I wasn't looking forward to all the things?
Some years, I've done all the things: every party, every celebration, baked all the things, sent all the cards, matched up the wrapping paper on all the gifts. I tried my best to pull off the perfect Martha Stewart Christmas. Sure, I had fun, but invariably, I ended up exhausted and sick.
Last year, I tried clearing my calendar, thinking that would help me be more intentional, and let me enjoy the season more. I sat out some of the parties. I skipped the cookie baking. Instead of putting up bins and bins of decorations, I only put up some of them. I purchased very few gifts.
Still, the funk continued.
I realized that for me, December is always equal parts celebration and sorrowful reflection. I love the lights and the festive parties. I love celebrating my birthday. I love giving to others and spending time with friends. I love the decorations, and the special holiday food and drink.
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But December also ushers in feelings of loss and loneliness. When my parents divorced, they began the process between Thanksgiving and Christmas in 1987, and our family holidays were never the same. Then, my brother died on December 21, 1997. And my dad died on December 26, 2015. So while the holidays are filled with celebrations, the holidays are also reminders of what I have lost.
Add COVID and political vitriol and a divisive country into the mix, and man, the holidays just feel different this year.
Usually, I am busy, busy, busy during the holidays doing all the things, so there is no time to feel the bad feels. Because I've stripped down the holiday activities over the past couple years, I felt the losses more acutely. And I wasn't prepared for that.
What that means is that I can be in the grocery store, and tear up when a certain song comes on.
Or driving down the road, and see a house decorated in a particular way, and my eyes well up with tears.
Or like last weekend, when I went to the mall to buy a candy thermometer, I found myself walking through a couple stores just to be surrounded by typical Christmas: the large overhead wreath, the perfectly decorated trees, the lights and decorations, "crowds" of people (although they were much smaller than usual, and masked, and socially distanced). It just felt like normal Christmas, and again, it made me very emotional.
But here's the thing: it's OK to feel all the feels...even at Christmas. It's OK to not be jolly. It's OK to sit with pain and loss even in the midst of celebration.
Be kind to yourself. Talk about it. Let others know. Give yourself grace, and give your heart and soul what they need.
For me, it's usually a slow, snowy walk with these sweet boys. ❤️
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