Mom Guilt
Mar 28, 2021
I’ve been thinking a lot about Mom Guilt this week.
Women are no strangers to Mom Guilt: pervasive feelings of guilt, doubt or anxiousness about their mothering abilities. Constant comparisons to other mothers. Are they falling short? Are they measuring up? Are they doing it right, or mothering in a way that will lead their children to pay copious amounts of money for therapy at some point in the future?
Working mothers face an added layer of Mom Guilt because of their decision to work outside of the home. They know in their gut that they are a better mother because they work. They feel an internal need to work — not because of the money — but because of a knowing that it wouldn’t be good for them or their kids if they all stayed home together. Of course, some women don’t have a choice; they must work outside the home for one reason or another. They are single parents, or the family needs the additional income.
In any event, we all feel it. Even when we’re parenting four-legged children.
We had to say good-bye to our Hank this week. Hank was nearly 15, and like many old Labradors, he suffered from a condition called laryngeal paralysis. Apologies to the veterinarians out there, but “lar-par”is a condition where the flap that covers the windpipe gets stuck. It becomes paralyzed and floppy. As the condition progresses, a lar-par dog must breathe extra hard to “unstick” that flap In order to take a breath. I’ve read that it would feel like a human breathing though one of those tiny coffee-stirring straws while running.
Because he’d suffered from lar-par for more than 5 years, there were times during the day when Hank was literally suffocating. Most of those episodes, which usually lasted 30 minutes or so, happened when he was excited: his humans were returning home from work, or he was going on a walk, or it was time to eat.
But more recently, he’d have an episode for no reason at all. And because he couldn’t get oxygen to his brain, he’d become confused and his body would react like it was shutting down. Trying to console him or settle him had no effect. It was heart-wrenching to watch his body shut down while he was struggling to catch a breath. The strangest part for his humans: once the episode was over, he was his normal sweet, happy Hank-self.
So why the Mom Guilt this week? I know that we gave Hank a great life, and he enriched ours beyond measure. But I also think that when a life ends, it’s only natural to look back and have questions.
The time I decided Hank needed a brother. Because I love running with a dog, I wanted to get a puppy when Hank got too old to run with me. But by that time, Hank had lived the first 11 years of his life without sharing the attention of his humans…and I think he really liked it.
It took quite a while for Hank to warm to Theo. Within the first couple hours of bringing Theo home, Hank bit a chunk out of Theo’s nose for sniffing around Hank’s food bowl. Theo was a quick learner, so that lesson stuck. Like most baby brothers, Theo idolized Hank. On the other hand, Hank seemed bothered by almost everything about Theo initially. It took 4-5 months before Hank appeared to resign himself to the fact that Theo wasn’t going anywhere. In the meantime, I felt terrible for disrupting Hank’s “only child” status. I felt terrible for bringing Theo into a home where he was getting pushed around.
All the times Hank was left behind. Speaking of running, Hank loved running and hiking. He helped me train for countless marathons, and in his prime, had no problem running 18 miles with me during a long run. But for years, he hasn’t been able to walk longer than 1.5 miles around “the loop” in Sun Valley. And in the last year, even “the loop” proved to be too many miles for our sweet boy. His heart and lungs and spirit wanted to walk, but the lar-par restricted his ability to walk distances of any length.
Which meant Hank stayed home and had to sit out many runs and hikes over the last several years. When we’d take Theo out for a run or a hike, Hank’s disappointed eyes made me feel terrible. Although he wasn’t physically able to run and hike with us, he wanted to. And he certainly didn’t want to be left behind at home. But we left him home alone. A lot. And it broke my heart each time we did it.
The decision to put him down. This was one of the toughest decisions we’ve faced. We certainly didn’t want Hank to suffer — he’d been too good of a dog to allow him to suffer just to keep him with us. But we also didn’t want to end his life too early. Or do it just because we hated to watch him experience the episodes.
And those episodes were confounding: they were terrible when they were happening, but once they passed, Hank was great. He wrestled with Theo. He slept at my feet while I worked from home. He was always excited to eat dinner and go for a walk…even when he couldn’t breathe on the walk.
We finally decided it was “time” because of the frequency of the episodes, and the discomfort and confusion Hank was experiencing during each one.
Even when it’s the best decision, there is a lot of guilt associated with euthanizing a pet.
Hank was so excited to get in the car on Tuesday afternoon! He sniffed out the windows. He rested his head on the arm rest between the front seats. He was so excited to get out of the car and walk into the veterinarian hospital because he loved the treats! It was tough to watch his excitement of this last trip, and know why we were there. And to know that Hank wasn’t coming home with us.
And then the guilt for feeling relief when it was all over. Relief because Hank wasn't suffering any longer. Relief because there were no tough decisions to be made.
Back to the Mom Guilt. Moms, we’re all doing the best we can. I know that there are times of doubt and anxiousness about the decisions we make everyday for our children, whether they have two legs or four legs. If your kids know that you love them, you’re doing it right. Even when they may not agree with your decisions or boundaries you’re setting for them.
Moms, stop questioning your decisions or your abilities.
Moms, stop comparing what you’re doing to others.
Moms, stop feeling guilty for the way you’re mothering.
You’re doing the best you can.
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